Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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