So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She announced her abortion via fbk
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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