I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
