Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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