I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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