Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
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