i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize