I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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