Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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