We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
