in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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