no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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