How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
nutella sex= disaster
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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