um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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