The maid of honor just puked.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
