Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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