So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
