At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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