Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
