my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
