guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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