I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
how does that bad decision feel?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
