Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
