I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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