Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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