Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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