Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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