I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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