Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
