The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
