This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
