I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
