Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
How external is "for external use only"?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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