I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
