The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
