Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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