My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
