I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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