I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
