i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
