Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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