May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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