No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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