If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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