I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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