there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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