are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
