bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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