There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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