Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
