I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
