They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
