Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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