this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
