I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
