I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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