upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i think i have two assholes
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
