My cat gives me a boner
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
