Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
